Fear
We’ve all felt fear whether it is a spider crawling across our floor, suddenly slamming on the brakes because something crosses our path while driving, or waiting for the doctor to call with test results. There are different types of fear: small fears, big fears, silly fears, and strange fears.
It’s often talked about that the Bible instructs us to “do not fear.” It is even said that the Bible refers to us not fearing 365 times, enough for one day a year. Why do you think that is? I personally think it is to remind us that God is ultimately in control, not whatever we fear.
I’ve experienced a lot in the past few years that could cause fear. My husband felt God calling him to return to school. This could have easily caused fear because we were in a situation where the people in power of our church didn’t want him to go back to school and in doing so he risked making those people mad. But I didn’t fear because I trusted God to guide us and He did. God guided us to walk away from a faith family we loved because we knew he needed to follow the will of God and not the will of man. We moved to New Orleans where we knew no one and Brian had no promise of employment. This could have easily caused fear because we were in a situation where we didn’t have the means to pay for what God had called us to do. But I didn’t fear because I trusted God to guide us and others and He did. Godly people who loved to serve and follow God were placed in our lives to love us and support us. Brian found employment at a church that immediately loved our family and supported us in ministry. Brian felt God calling him on a mission trip to Greece. This could have easily caused fear because my husband was going to be in a foreign country sharing Jesus with a Muslim community. But I didn’t fear because I trusted God to protect him and guide his steps.
So far this seems like a big ole pat on the back for Brian and I. Brian following God and me trusting God, and if you read it that way I am sorry but you are mistaken. Read again. It is God calling and God providing. Read a little further and you’ll get to the human side, the side where I failed.
On Brian’s first full day in Greece I awoke to the news of the act of violence against the Muslim community in New Zealand. My heart broke for them but selfishly my heart sank for me, all I could think for a few moments was my husband is entering a Muslim community. Nevermind that geographically New Zealand and Greece aren’t side by side in my mind the danger was. I failed. My first instinct wasn’t to trust but to fear. I prayed, stilled my nerves and went about my morning, because, you know, I’m a mom. At breakfast I asked Mabry (5), “How should we pray for daddy today?” Her response caused my heart to sink yet again. She responded, “That he’s safe, that people listen about Jesus, well and that no body tries to kill him.” Wait, what?!? Did I seriously just hear those words come out of my baby’s mouth? I held it together as we discussed what she meant. She told me she knew some people didn’t like being told about Jesus. And with that we prayed. Shortly after I excused myself to my bedroom to cry. Another fail: I let my fear in my flesh take a tighter hold. I prayed, stilled my nerves, and went about my day. Once again, I’m a mom.
As time went on we prayed for and talked about/to Brian about all the fun things he was doing and seeing. We talked about the people he met and conversations he had. My heart was starting to rise back to where it should be but not just because I trusted God because there was no current anticipation of danger. Then Monday came along. I opened Facebook to see the news of the violence towards Christians in the Muslim communities in Nigeria, at the time the death toll was 200. My heart sank further down, I’m not sure where the air went because no matter how hard I tried I couldn’t seem to fill my lungs, I became nauseous, and found it hard to stand. Another fail: my first thought was of my own life and the life of my husband.
The girls and I were with my mom and, unable to hide my reaction, I told my mom what I had just read reassuring her that everything is going to be fine. I pulled the girls aside to pray for Brian and it helped a little but not enough. I excused myself; I had to call Brian; I had to hear his voice. Another fail: I couldn’t see God as enough in that moment. My faith that had been so strong and gotten me through so much the previous year was shaking. I heard Brian’s voice, I told him my fears. He knew I meant it, because if you know me I don’t get emotional, it’s just not my way, but in this moment you could hear my emotions. We talked. We prayed, not only for safety but for those involved in these awful acts of violence. I felt better but I had this nagging feeling.
After a few moments it hit me: I failed. My flesh failed, which it does often, but my God didn’t. "My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart, my portion forever.” - Psalm
73:26 I knew in my heart that whatever was going to happen was going to be okay. I recall praying selfishly “Lord I trust Your plan and I will praise you in all circumstances but selfishly I desperately want my husband to come home safe.” My momentary failures do not mean God isn’t strong. My flesh reacting in fear does not mean God isn’t faithful and trustworthy. My weakness only shows His strength. It was by His strength that I prayed and stilled my nerves to continue to parent my girls and support my husband. It was by His strength that I woke up each day knowing that whatever the day held it was okay because He was in control. It was by His strength I uttered the words:
“I will stand firm in God even when my flesh trembles.”
So no, we shouldn’t fear, but if you do fear do not let the guilt of fear or the fear it self take you over. Lay your fears and failures at the Lord’s feet and allow Him to take on the burden.
“Come to Me, all of you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. All of you take up My yoke and learn from Me, because I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for yourselves. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.” -Matthew 11: 28-30
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